Welcome to today’s edition of Early Cringe Writing! In chapter 2 of my terrible middle school book, Haley needlessly antagonizes Karen, more dissing happens, and everyone laughs hysterically. Cringe and enjoy the creativity of a 10-year-old.
Chapter 2
Later at lunch Jenna, Laurie, Kathy, Julia and I were sitting together. I was telling them about what happened in homeroom. Then, Karen walked to the other end of the table and sat where Ryan and Tyler were sitting.
“Watch this and prepare to laugh your heads off.” I told my friends. I walked over to Karen. She looked up from her lunch.
“How’s it going goober!” I said.
Haley literally has nothing better to do than provoke Karen. Karen is just minding her own business, eating her chicken nuggies, but Haley wants to cause a scene.
I had to use “goober” as a stand-in for all the awful slurs and insults we slung around in the 2000s. Use your imagination.
“I’m not a goober.” Karen replied.
“Yes you are. You’re sitting at the goober table.” I said.
“No I’m not I’m sitting at the– She paused and looked around her. Freaks and geeks surrounded her.
Freaks and geeks! How embarrassing! Little did I know when I wrote this that my own conversion to weeb was nye.
“See! I told you that you were sitting at the goober table!” I exclaimed. Everyone started laughing. Karen tried sitting with us again but Ryan and Tyler wouldn’t let her. She sat down at the goober table and finished her lunch.
Oh, middle school lunch table wars. In my actual life, the preps had a full table to themselves and the nerds had a separate half-table right behind them. I usually sat with the nerds since most of my friends were there, even though I also had friends at the prep table.
One day, the preps had to share a table with us for some reason. I literally sat between both groups, squeezed between a prep friend and a nerd friend. One of my nerd friends kept leading a collective chant to yell “Preps suck!” and honestly her behavior was so embarrassing.
In science we were learning about the wonders of the world. Mrs. Blossom, our science teacher was calling on students to hear what they think a wonder of the world would be. I raised my hand.
“Yes Haley?” She said.
“I think a major wonder of the world is how Karen can look in a mirror without breaking it.” I said.
DISSED.
Everyone started laughing. Mrs. Blossom didn’t do anything because she totally adored me and so did all my other teachers.
Get it? Haley is a perfect, hilarious, popular ANGEL.
“But really the Grand Canyon is really a wonder of the world along with Karen’s face.” I said as everyone started to laugh even more. Karen hid under her desk.
All anyone ever does in this chapter is point and laugh hysterically.
“Hey look! She’s doing her impression of an ostrich!” I exclaimed. Everyone started laughing even louder.
“That’s a good observation.” Mrs. Blossom stated when everyone settled down. “But it is not appropriate in this classroom. Karen you get after school detention.” Mrs. Blossom said.
That makes total sense!
“But I–
“Don’t try to get out of it Karen. Come to this classroom after school.” Mrs. Blossom said.
Yeah, Karen. Don’t try to get out of it. You’re too young to speak to the manager.
In math class we were observing uneven numbers. I raised my hand.
“Haley?” Mrs. Springfield our math teacher said.
“Well, I don’t know if anyone agrees with me but how many people think Karen’s face is uneven!” I exclaimed as everyone started laughing.
WHY is Haley so obsessed with Karen?
At the end of the day I went home and started my homework when the phone rang.
“Hello?” I asked.
“Revenge will be mine Haley. Revenge will be mine!” The person on the phone exclaimed.
Karen is a cartoon villain with lightning bolts in the background.
“You can’t fool me Karen what do you want.” I said.
“How’d you know it was me?” Karen asked.
“Anybody can recognize your ugly voice.” I said.
Haley can really keep going all day.
“Shut up and listen!” Karen exclaimed. “I want you to stop being so pretty and cute so that I can get Ryan to like me!” Karen shouted.
Wow, Karen. That’s really hetero of you.
“It’s not my fault he’s liked me ever since pre-school!” I shouted.
“He’s liked you since pre-school?” Karen asked obviously really mad.
“No dip.” I said.
“No dip” was the slickest comeback you could throw at someone in the 2000s. Karen’s been DISSED.
“Well anyway stop or I’ll do something really bad!” Karen exclaimed.
“Like what? Stop taking showers for the rest of your life?” I asked sarcastically.
“No I’ll kiss Ryan tomorrow and see how you like it.” Karen said.
Karen.
“Fine whatever Karen.” I said. Then I hung up and laughed hysterically.
BYE, KAREN.
I know, you all are anxiously waiting to see what happens next and how Karen will exact her revenge. But what’s obvious to me in this chapter is my basic understanding that the antagonist needs motivation to be terrible to the protagonist. It does accomplish that, but also reveals that Haley is awful. I’d like to deny any inkling you might have that I was pulling a Death Note and telling a story where the protagonist is the villain. I wasn’t that smart or clever at 10.
How did your early cringe writing establish the villain’s motives? Did everyone laugh hysterically at them? Were they constantly dissed? Share your cringey writing!