In today’s installment of my terrible middle school book, everyone gathers at a generic restaurant for a three course meal in preteen drama. Maybe the real middle school experience was the sick burns we made along the way.
Chapter 4
By lunch the next day every sixth grader knew about what happened yesterday. Everyone was talking about it. Just then, Karen was walking by our table.
“What is your problem?” She asked.
“If you really want to know everyone’s problem it’s your mom!” I shouted. Everyone started laughing out loud.
L O L (that’s chatspeak for “laugh out loud”)
You see kids, in the 2000s, the SICKEST burn you could give someone was a well-timed “your mom” joke.
“At least I have friends.” Karen said.
“Well, no you don’t.” I said.
“Yes I do!” Karen shouted.
“Oh really. Like who?”
“Tina.”
“In the second grade she started using you for some reason.”
“Uh–
“Face it. You’ve got no friends and a guy named Dave waiting on you hand and foot.” I said.
Honestly, Karen sounds like she’s living her best life if she has a personal attendant.
Karen left. She was so ticked off that she did something that no one would have ever tried to do.
Later that night my friends and me went to a restaurant. That was the beginning of the weirdest night ever.
10-year-old me really leaning into that foreshadowing.
First we heard David and Karen making out in the same bathroom.
Then Ryan and Tyler were watching football by the bar and as for us we just sat down like normal people.
Two bros chillin’ at the sports bar five feet apart ’cause they’re not gay.
I definitely put these two 6th grade boys at the bar because I had no concept of what else boys would do in a restaurant besides sit at the bar and watch sportsball.
“Why is everyone here?” Laurie asked.
“I don’t know.” Julia said.
Because the plot said so. But at least I had a character acknowledge how weird it was.
“Well I know why Karen and Dave are here.” I said. We laughed.
Just then, Ryan and Tyler came over.
“Yo, Yo, Yo what’s up what’s up!” They shouted.
This came from some meme or commercial in like 2002 that we all felt Very Cool™ quoting.
“Hi trouble.” I said.
“Hey Jenna! Want to make like Karen and Dave?” Tyler asked.
“Why don’t you do that with your mom!” Jenna exclaimed.
BURN.
“Oh harsh!” Tyler said.
“How about you Haley?” Ryan asked.
“Do that with your mom’s mom!” I said.
DOUBLE BURN.
“Ouch.” Ryan said. Then, Karen and Dave walked out of the bathroom.
“What took you so long?” Jenna asked. Karen looked around.
“You! What are you doing here?” Karen asked.
“Well, we wanted to tell you the long line that’s been waiting for you for two hours.” I said. We laughed.
Karen really made out with her boyfriend in a public bathroom at a chain restaurant for two hours. Her CHAOTIC ENERGY.
“Haley can I talk to you alone?” Julia asked.
“Sure.” We walked to an empty corner.
“Why did Ryan ask you to make out with him?” Julia asked.
OH NO.
“He uh was just kidding. Ha that funny guy.”
“That’s not the truth.” Julia said.
Julia seeing right through the BS.
“Fine. Ryan’s had a crush on me ever since Pre School.” Julia was silent. Tears came to her eyes. She ran out the door and onto the sidewalk. I ran after her.
“Come on Julia don’t be upset. It’s all part of life.” I said. Then Julia started running home. I didn’t hear from her until the next day.
Haley has all the tact of a loose nail on the floor.
There’s chapter 4 for you! It certainly was a chapter of a book that I wrote in middle school. Poor Julia. Haley is such a terrible friend and now she’s heartbroken. 🙁
How cringey was your early writing? Share your gems in the comments!